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Private wealth and public squalor

September 28, 2007 on 2:09 pm | In Uncategorized |

The NSW Minister for Health has announced that in response to rumoured stories of alleged customer service shortcomings in the Royal North Shore Hospital’s emergency ward, the government has conducted a thorough inquiry, engaging in wide-ranging consultations with Australia’s acknowledged best practice customer service organisations including Centrelink, Telstra and all the major banks. The following notice will be handed to all customers attending the ward as of 1 October.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PATRONS

Welcome to the Royal North Shore Hospital emergency ward, where our mission is to be the number one provider of emergency service in the developed nations of the world.

Unfortunately all our customer service operators are occupied right now due to higher-than-normal demand. You have been placed in a queue and you will be served by the first available staff member.

Your visit may be monitored by an experienced medical practitioner (although frankly it’s unlikely). Please advise the attending customer service operator if you do not want your visit to be monitored.

To help us serve you better, please select a seat in the emergency ward after reading the following menu:

• If you are here for a medical certificate to get a day off work or an extension on a university assignment, fill in the details on the screen next to the entrance and take a RED chair. Your name will be called when your certificate is ready. You might want to get a few more for next month to reduce demand on our staff.
• If you are here for a work-related illness or injury for which we can bill a workers’ compensation insurer, take a GREEN seat.
• If you have private health insurance, you are in the wrong place! Follow the signs to the Golden Stethoscope Lounge where you may enjoy light refreshments and the latest release movies while you wait.
• If you have an injury incurred while playing sport, we strongly recommend that you go consult your club doctor instead of hanging around here. Speed is often important in treating sports injuries.
• If you are in serious pain or discomfort likely to cause moaning or screaming, please show consideration for our other customers by taking a BLUE seat in the soundproof room in the western annex of the ward.
• If you are in imminent danger of dying, please take a BLACK seat under the skull-and-crossbones banner adjacent to the morgue.
• If all seats are already occupied, you may care to visit one of our sister emergency wards at Hornsby or Westmead.

Should you be about to do something gross like miscarry or have a seizure, please make use of the toilets that have been considerately supplied off the eastern hallway.
Please note that customers are responsible for cleaning up their own blood, vomit and other bodily fluids before being attended to by one of our highly trained customer service staff.
Your attention to these simple guidelines will ensure that the emergency ward is a pleasant place for everyone! Remember that your visit is important to us and we look forward to serving you again in future, should you survive the experience this time.