verging_on_random

Spectacular Howard win at APEC

September 9, 2007 on 6:54 pm | In Uncategorized |

Today has been a frabjous day in the history of the human race. Church bells have rung out across the globe, and in cities from Paris to Pretoria, spontaneous street dancing has been the order of the day. As you have no doubt read elsewhere, our prime minister has announced a stunning APEC triumph that will fix up global warming. God bless the prime minister!

Curious to know how he did it, I asked an insider source. Needless to say, he spoke on condition of confidentiality.

***

The Man of Steel closed the door behind his two distinguished guests and said “Good to see you both! Again!! Now while you’re both here I need you to do me a favour.”

Turning to one president, he said “We have to come to some agreement about climate change.”

The president’s brow furrowed and he called for an interpreter. As he stood in deep thought, the Man of Steel turned to the figure leaning against the mantelpiece, moodily spinning a globe as he tried to figure out whether there really were two countries called Australia and Austria or whether Condi was playing another of her practical jokes.

“George,” said the Man of Steel, “I know you are preoccupied with the situation in Iraq …”

“Damn right!” interrupted the second president. “We’re kicking ass!”

“Yes I know,” the Man of Steel hastened to assure his friend, “And I wish I hadn’t had to rule your Iraq speech out of order when you gave it so eloquently today under the ‘intellectual property’ agenda item, but the point of order from the floor was unfortunately correct.”

“Damn Clark woman’s an asshole,” muttered the president.

“Ah yes, but George when they took the ‘Z’ out of ‘ANZUS’ it left you and me in a tight spot.” The two friends laughed at the old joke and the president’s good humour returned. “Say what were you and President What nattering about?” he asked.

“I was urging him to agree to some measures that might ameliorate anthropogenic global warming,” replied the Man of Steel.

The president’s brow furrowed and he called for an interpreter. The first president spread his hands and said quietly, “Perhaps we could consent to an aspirational target.”

“Not while we’re in office surely!” snapped the other president.

“Of course not,” smiled his Chinese colleague. “Let us choose a suitable date that we can all live with.”

“Well I’m gone year after next unless that martial law plan of Dick’s comes off,” grumbled the American leader. “What about you, Jim?”

“I have nothing to add to what I have said in the past,” replied the Man of Steel. “I will serve my party as long as they want me.” The Chinese president scowled – his advisers had not told him Australia was a one party state. “I believe my party will need me for some time yet,” he continued, “but I plan to consider my position about my 80^th birthday. Approximately and hypothetically, you understand.”

“How about an aspirational target for 2030 then? Let’s say a cut in emissions of what, a quarter?” suggested Mr Bush, glancing at his watch and wondering when the steaks would be done. The other leaders nodded their heads. “Wonderful,” enthused the Man of Steel, “Our opponents’ aspirational target doesn’t kick in until 2050.”

“That’s because he’s a lot younger than you!” exclaimed the American, roaring with laughter. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” replied the shrunken figure, turning away in a dignified manner.

One of the Man of Steel’s advisers nervously asked if he could make an observation.

“The … other chap … has offered a cut of 50%,” he stammered.

“It is not a problem,” smiled the Chinese president inscrutably. “In my country we have a saying … figures plucked from air all speak the same language.”

“Ummm … yes, very wise,” mumbled his two fellow-leaders.

“Anyway are we agreed then?” cried the Man of Steel. The other two replied sullenly that they supposed so. “Fine, let’s go tell the others!” he piped brightly, and they all went off for lunch.