verging_on_random

The spin goes on

October 15, 2006 on 1:52 pm | In Uncategorized |

I love the blogosphere. It really provides a more diverse range of opinions and sources of information than the mainstream commercial media. Over the last month or so, I think I’m starting to understand the next phase in the white English-speaking neo-conservatives’ stance towards the rest of the world.

Just to remind you of the story so far: during the 1980s the Free World, led by St Ronald and St Margaret, finally got sick of all the pussyfooting around by the wimpy lefties and confronted the Evil Empire of communism. Cue collapse of Soviet Union, Beethoven played at Berlin Wall etc. It was the End of History and Freedom was supposed to reign like crazy all over the world.

Unfortunately the wimpy lefties smarmed their way back into power, electing Bill Clinton who spent 8 years not having sex with that woman and letting the security of the Free World go all to hell. By the time he got turfed out along with that climate change panic merchant Al Gore, there was a whole new lot of Evil to confront, except this time it was an Axis not an Empire.

Luckily the greatest President in United States history, St George, came to power in the nick of time. Along with his offsider St Tony and his trusty Man of Steel, he planned a response to terrorist attacks such as the attack on the Twin Towers (carried out mainly by Saudi Arabians), the Bali bombing (carried out by Indonesians) and other outrages (carried out by Englishmen, Spaniards etc). In a stroke of inspired genius, the Coalition of the Willing invaded Iraq.

The Iraq invasion was justified because that badass Saddam had all these weapons of mass destruction that he could unleash on the Free World at 40 minutes notice. We know this because American intelligence said so. Unfortunately the intelligence turned out to be … ummm …. wrong. The Saddam-buys-uranium-from-Nigeria story turned out to be like one of those scams where they want to send you $36 million just as soon as you send details of your bank account and don’t forget the password; the mobile lethal gas factories turned out to be clapped out Kombi vans driven by German backpackers and the people shredder turned out to be a particularly vivid nightmare after Janette ate too much lobster at a dinner with Alan Jones.

Are you with me so far? Good.

This temporary setback didn’t worry the Coalition of the Willing because they could easily argue that the real reason they invaded Iraq was to get rid of Saddam and Let Freedom Reign, as St George wrote in a note to ex-Supremes lead singer now Secretary of State Condi Rice in a wholly spontaneous gesture that was luckily captured on NBC, CNN and Fox News. So for three years now they’ve been sitting confidently waiting for the Iraqi people to realise how lucky they are to have the chance to become a democracy. Waiting …. and waiting ….. still waiting.

So here’s the current state of play. The Palestinians adopted a democratic system of government and promptly elected a government that St George and company reckon are terrorists. The damn Lebanese gave Hamas seats in their democratically-elected government. Seventy something per cent of Iraqis want the Coalition of the Willing’s troops to piss off out of their country, like NOW. More Americans have been killed in Iraq than by the World Trade Centre bombing and it doesn’t look like it’s going to change any time soon, unless it gets worse that is.

Looking at other points in the Axis of Evil, Iran may or may not be developing nuclear weapons. Considering it’s surrounded by Israel (has nuclear weapons), Pakistan (has nuclear weapons) and Iraq (governed by America, has a shitload of nuclear weapons) it would hardly be surprising if it decided it wouldn’t mind having some too. North Korea now definitely does have nuclear weapons, which is something of a mystery because St George has drawn several lines in the sand over the last 5 years that the North Koreans weren’t allowed to cross. Maybe they went around the back way or something …. typical sneaky Evil tactics.

Leading to my opening point … where to from here? Well the straws in the wind suggest that the new line from the conservatives will be something like this. They extended the hand of friendship to the Axis of Evil and the Axis bit it (except for that nice Colonel Gaddafi). God, our own PM went on national television the other day to call the North Korean regime “seriously crazy”, which was obviously an attempt to build bridges using a bit of that larrikin kidding that Aussies use about their mates, but even that didn’t work.

So ….. no more mister nice guy!!!!

But that doesn’t leave many options really. There’s no military power left to invade North Korea or Iran. They might bomb the shit out of Iran just to make themselves feel better but the folks back home are going all wussy again so even that might not be a good idea. So it looks like they’re going to ….. sulk. Yep; the story will be that they tried to bring God’s gift of freedom to all these primitive heathens and the ungrateful pricks rejected them. Well you can’t help people who aren’t prepared to help themselves, can you? So last one across the drawbridge pull it up behind you and we’ll leave them to rot in hell. Oh unless they’ve got some skilled migrants to send us …. we don’t want to cut off ALL ties.

Let us devoutly hope that the Democrats get a majority in the American Congress next month. I think Mark Latham would have been a major disaster as PM but when he called GWB the most dangerous president in living memory he got one thing dead right.